I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
