I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
