My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
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