I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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