Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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