it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
