to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
