He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
