3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
