Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Randomize
