I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
