your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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