Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
