Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
