..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
