awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I need to calm my uterus...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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