Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
