I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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