The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
