I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
if only i could text you this smell
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
