He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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