I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
