Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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