I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
