I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
