Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
