life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
