My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
