...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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