Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
