So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
