I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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