I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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