you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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