Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
