a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
