On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
