Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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