And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
