You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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