there's paper in my vomit.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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