What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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