you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
