I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
