he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
