Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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