wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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