when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
