You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
