All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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